Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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