am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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