I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
