The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
