it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
