When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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