vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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