I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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