A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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