Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
