Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
