I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
