I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
