Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
