You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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