I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
