only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
