I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
