i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
