Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
