Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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