She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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