i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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