I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
