The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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