you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
