Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
