I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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