alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
