you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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