Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
