Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
