He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
