I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
