If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
