I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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