i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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