Kiss
Puke
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
