I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
