He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
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I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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