my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
