it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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