Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
