I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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