John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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