Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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