Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
