and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
