I wanna bring you to show and tell
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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