There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
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I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
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Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize