I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
