Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
