A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
tonight lets celebrate not being married
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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