Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
