he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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