I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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