When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
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too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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