So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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