: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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