is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
