He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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